When a parent of an adult dies, some view it as a rite of passage. Some feel that you should take that death in stride, handle loss in an adult manner.
What does that mean? Not be sad? Be grateful that Dad did not die when you were a child?
That would be under estimating grief. Loss does not diminish because you are an adult or because your mother or father lived a long life.
Here’s what most people don’t understand: Whether our parents live near or far, are emotionally close or distant, they anchor us in the world. Even though we know they will die someday, most of us cannot a fathom a world without them. Can you imagine a world without a sky? Of course not. It has always been there.
Often we lose a parent after a long illness, but sometimes the death is sudden. For some the call comes on an otherwise idle Thursday. Out of the blue, our world turns upside down without warning. How can this be? Mom was fine, and now she is not. Dad was here, and now he is not.
Sudden death compounds the loss. That’s because there is no preparation, no goodbye, just the loudest absence one could ever imagine. As a result in sudden death, the denial will be longer and deeper. The more sudden the death, the longer it may take to grieve the loss.
Give yourself that time.
Our society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss. But how long do you grieve for your mother of 40 or more years?
The answer is simple: You grieve for as long as you need to.
Essay by David Kessler. AARP: The Magazine, June/July 2015
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